


Night Vale, vlogger AU

by gingerlegend



Category: Welcome to Night Vale
Genre: AU Fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-26
Updated: 2020-03-29
Packaged: 2021-02-28 20:55:02
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,533
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23333455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gingerlegend/pseuds/gingerlegend
Summary: An AU where, instead of being a radio host, Cecil is a popular vlogger. The first few chapter will mostly go over things that happen in canon, but I definitely want to move away from canon events, although they'll all be implied to happen in some way or another.
Relationships: Carlos/Cecil Palmer
Comments: 6
Kudos: 17





	1. That New Scientist (vlog transcripts)

**part 1**

(The video begins by panning across the landscape as Cecil narrates. A blue helicopter can be seen flying several feet above one house, and a figure inside it waves at the camera.)

**Cecil:** A friendly desert community where the sun is hot, the moon is beautiful, and mysterious lights pass overhead while we all pretend to sleep.

Welcome to Night Vale… Vlog.

I’m still workshopping the title, even after all these years.

(Cecil is filming himself as he sits on a bench in Mission Grove Park)

Hello, viewers.

The city counsel announced the opening of a new dog park in town. Then they reminded everyone that dogs are not allowed in the Dog Park. People are not allowed in the Dog Park.

It is possible you will see Hooded Figures in the Dog Park.

_ Do not approach them. Do not approach the Dog Park. _

… They asked me to pass the message on, just in case you missed it, dear viewers.

The other day, Old Woman Josie, out near the Car Lot, says the Angels revealed themselves to her. Said they were ten feet tall, surrounded by radiant shadows, and one of them was black. Said they helped her with various household chores.

(An alarm can be heard in the distance)

That’s the angel acknowledgement alarm. But I am not acknowledging angels. I am acknowledging what Old Woman Josie said.

Viewers, please do not speak to or acknowledge any Angels that you may come across. They only tell lies and do not exist.

(The alarm shuts off, as if hearing Cecil explain himself.)

There. Now that that’s settled, I have something SUPER important to bring up.

A new man came into town today.

Who is he? What does he want from us? Why his perfect and beautiful haircut? Why his perfect and beautiful coat?

Here is some footage of him introducing himself.

(Carlos is standing outside the long-abandoned Night Vale Community Radio Station, humming to himself. He isn’t humming anything in particular, or even a tune at all. He’s probably not aware of the noise he’s making, but that isn’t important. Cecil isn’t on camera; he’s the one holding it)

**Cecil, casually:** Interloper.

**Carlos:** Oh, hello, um…

**Cecil:** You can call me Cecil. That  _ is _ my name, after all.

**Carlos:** Oh, nice to meet you, Cecil. I’m Carlos. I’m a scientist, and I’m new here.

(a few shouts of “INTERLOPER” can be heard in the background.)

**Cecil:** Well… we have all been scientists at one point or another in our lives.

But why now? Why here? And just what does he plan to do with all those breakers and humming electrical instruments in that lab he’s renting – the one next to Big Rico’s Pizza?

No one does a slice like Big Rico.  _ No one. _

… Not sponsored by Big Rico’s.

**Carlos:** This is by far the most scientifically interesting community in the U.S., and I just had come to study just what is going on around here. It’s a scientist thing, studying.

(Carlos smiles and the video cuts out abruptly)

**part 2**

(video opens on Cecil, who is now standing in a “garden” of sand and tumbleweeds, just in front of a house that you recognize to be yours.)

**Cecil:** I apologize for stopping my recording so suddenly. When Carlos grinned, everything about him was perfect, and I fell in love instantly.

I also accidentally ended the recording.

… There were government agents from a vague yet menacing agency behind me, watching.

Dear viewers, I fear for Carlos. I fear for Night Vale. I fear for anyone caught between what they know and what they don’t yet know that they don’t know.

Speaking of Carlos, he, along with a team of scientists, said that one of the houses in the new development of Desert Creek, out back of the elementary school, doesn’t actually exist.

I’ve already recorded that part, so I’ll edit in my conversation with him and his perfect hair riiiiight now.

(Carlos is speaking directly to the camera-- or perhaps to Cecil himself as he films this part. Behind Carlos, one can see a group of three scientists standing in front of a house that seems like it exists.)

**Carlos:** It seems like it exists. Like it’s just right there when you look at it. And it’s between two other identical houses, so it would make more sense for it to be there than not. But we’ve done experiments and the house is definitely not there.

(The camera zooms in on the scientists, standing in front of the house that definitely isn’t there.)

**Scientist 1:** Come on, Nils, I triple-dog dare you to knock on it.

**Scientist 2, (probably “Nils”):** I already told you, no.   
**Scientist 3:** I agree with Nilanjana on that. Dares are childish. Science is not childish. So it would be wrong for her to take the dare.

**Scientist 1:** Then you should--

**Scientist 3:** Well, now I can’t do it.

**Scientist 1:** Then I guess we’ll just stand here?

**Scientist 3:** Sounds good to me.

**Scientist 2:** Sure, I guess that’s fine.

(The camera zooms back out. It focuses on Carlos’s hair for a few moments, then on Carlos’s entire self.)

**Carlos:** A lot of people watch your videos, right, Cecil?

**Cecil:** I wouldn’t say a  _ lot  _ of people. That would be an egotistical thing to say. But yes. A lot of people in town do watch my videos.

**Carlos:** Is that what you’re taking this video for?

**Cecil:** Oh, uh, yes.

**Carlos:** Neat. I want to get the word out, after all.

(The video cuts back to Cecil, still on your front lawn.)

**Cecil:** Isn’t he something? Then, a few hours later, he said that their seismic monitors have been indicating wild seismic shifts– meaning that the ground should be going up and down all over the place.

I don’t know about you, dear viewers, but the ground has been as still as the crust of a tiny globe rocketing through an endless void could be.

Carlos said that they double-checked the monitors, which were and still are in perfect working order. To put it plainly, there appears to be catastrophic earthquakes happening right here in Night Vale that absolutely no one can feel.

Well, submit an insurance claim anyway. See what you can get, right?

(The sound of a guitar being played can be heard.)

Cecil: Let’s enjoy the weather together, dear viewers.

(The Weather plays. It’s a familiar tune to those who know it.)

(It’s a simple sort of beat. The song is short and sweet. The lyrics on the breeze. Words other than these. These, and more than these.)

**part 3**

(Cecil is in front of a house. You don’t recognize it. You shouldn’t recognize. You have never seen it. You have never heard a description of its exterior. You probably never will.)

**Cecil:** Welcome back, viewers.

Carlos told me that the sun didn’t set at the correct time today. He was quite certain about it. He and his scientists checked multiple clocks and the sun definitely set ten minutes later than it was supposed to.

I asked them if they had any explanations but they did not offer anything concrete. Mostly they sat in a circle around a desk clock, staring at it, murmuring, and cooing.

Still, we must be grateful to have the sun at all. It’s easy to forget in this hot, hot, hot desert climate, but things would actually be slightly harder for us without the sun.

Perhaps more than just slightly.

This was several hours ago.

A few minutes before I started recording this video, Carlos, perfect and beautiful, came by, but declined to stay for an interview. He had some sort of blinking box in his hand covered with wires and tubes. Said he was testing the place for “materials.”

I don’t know what materials he meant but that box sure whistled and beeped a lot.

Carlos looked nervous. I’ve never seen that kind of look on someone with that strong of a jaw. He left in a hurry. I don’t know what it was about, but he was perfect, even as he looked fearful.

Settling in to be another clear night and pretty evening here in Night Vale. I hope all of you out there have someone to sleep through it with. Or, at least, good memories of when you did.

Those of you who prefer to sleep alone, good for you.

So goodnight, viewers. Goodnight.

_ Today’s Proverb: Smash that like button. Caress the subscribe button. Insult the dislike button. Smile in the comments. _


	2. All hail the mighty Glow Cloud! (vlog transcripts)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After this chapter, the story will diverge farther from canon.

**part 1**

(The video starts similarly to the first vlog, panning across the landscape as Cecil narrates. A man who is not tall and a man who is not short carry a few crates to a black sedan with tinted windows, into which innocent people disappear forever.)

**Cecil:** The desert seems vast, even endless, and yet scientists tell us that somewhere, even now, there is snow.

Welcome to the Night Vale vlog.

(The camera pivots around to show Cecil standing in front of the Ralph’s.)

**Cecil:** Have of you seen the glowing cloud that has been moving in from the west, dear viewers?

Well, John Peters– you know, the farmer?– He saw it over the western ridge this morning.

Apparently the cloud glows in a variety of colors, and all witnesses have mentioned a low whistling when it draws near.

One death has already been attributed to the Glow Cloud.

But listen, it’s probably nothing. If we had to shut down the town for every mysterious event that at least one death could be attributed to, we’d never have time to do anything, right?

That’s what the Sheriff’s Secret Police are saying, and I agree. Although I do not agree with their suggestion to run directly at the cloud, shrieking and waving your arms, just to see what it does.

(The video cuts away to a black screen.)

**Cecil:** Here’s something odd. There is a cat hovering in the bathroom at my house.

He seems perfectly happy and healthy, but he’s floating about four feet off the ground next to the sink. Doesn’t seem to be able to move from his current hover-spot.

If you pet him, he purrs—

(There is a distorted roaring noise, along with a distant yowling noise.)

— just like that. And he’ll rub on your body like a normal cat if you get close enough.

I have kept the lens cap on. You should never just take a video of someone without their permission, even if that someone happens to be a cat.

Fortunately, because he’s right by the sink, it was pretty easy to leave some water and food where he could get it, and it’s nice to have a pet.

Wish he wasn’t trapped in a hovering prison in my bathroom, but listen: no pet is perfect. They become perfect when you learn to accept them for what they are.

(The video cuts back to Cecil in front of the Ralph’s)

**Cecil:** This is probably nothing, viewers, but John Peters– you know, the farmer?– he reports that the Glow Cloud is directly over Old Town Night Vale, and appears to be raining small creatures upon the earth. Armadillos, lizards, a few crows, that kind of thing.

Fortunately, the animals appear to be dead already, so the Night Vale Animal Control Department has said that it should be a snap to clean those up. They just have to be tossed on the eternal animal pyre in Mission Grove Park, so, if that’s the worst the Glow Cloud has for us, we should be fine.

(As Cecil continues on to the next topic, a colorful glowing cloud appears on the horizon, but he doesn’t mention it quite yet, even as it grows larger and larger, dropping dead animals somewhere off in the distance.

Dear viewers, have you heard about the five-headed dragon named Hiram McDaniels? He was apparently pulled over for speeding last night, and the Secret Police suspect him of insurance fraud.

He escaped being custody by breathing fire and flying away.

Secret Police are asking for tips leading to the arrest of Hiram McDaniels. They reminded us that, if seen, he should not be approached, as he is literally a five headed dragon. Contact the Sheriff’s Secret Police if you have any information.

(Cecil finally notices the Glow Cloud.)

Say, is it just me or has the Glow Cloud gotten bigger? It seems—

(The video cuts out abruptly, but not before someone with a voice identical to Cecil’s shouts “ALL HAIL THE MIGHTY GLOW CLOUD.”

**part 2**

(Cecil is standing in front of the Ralph’s, surrounded by dead animals. The Weather has been playing.)

(Waiting for the bus in the rain, in the rain. Waiting for the glow cloud to pass.)

(Cecil looks around.)

**Cecil:** Sorry, viewers. Not sure what happened in that earlier section of the video…

… As in I actually don’t remember what happened. Tried to play it back, but I couldn’t find anything that would explain it.

The Glow Cloud, meanwhile, has moved on. It is now just a glowing spot in the distance, humming east to destinations unknown. We may never fully understand, or understand at all what it was and why it dumped a lot of dead animals on our community.

Perhaps someday we will, but there is no need. Sometimes, we can just let this sort of thing fade into the recesses of our memories until eventually it is gone for good. Less eventual in my case.

So good night, dear viewers. Good night.

  
Today’s proverb: If this video gets ten thousand likes, I’ll—  _ [ten seconds of static noises, followed by a distant shriek] _


	3. Hair, Interruptions, and a Faceless Old Woman

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A scientist has some of his perfect hair removed, the video gets interrupted several times, and a faceless old woman appears.

**part 1**

(The video begins as usual, panning across the landscape as Cecil narrates. There are a few angels having a conversation. Ignore them. You should not acknowledge them. They are not real. It is illegal to claim otherwise.)

**Cecil:** Blood is thicker than water. Honey is thicker than blood. Bricks are thicker than honey. But the void is very, very thin.

Welcome to Night Vlog.

(Cecil is walking along Earl Road as he speaks, occasionally stopping to pick up trash. It is unclear how the camera is staying so steady, as he’s using a selfie stick to help him record)

**Cecil:** Today, I figured it’d be a nice change of pace to go around and clean up litter. I am not in any way being coerced to do this by the Secret Police, but if they were, I would (in a louder voice)  _ like them to know I am cleaning the litter as I was told. _

But they are not making me do this by threatening or otherwise forcing my actions.

(Cecil bends down to pick up a piece of trash and the camera pans down as he freezes. The trash he was reaching for has a red flag on it)

**Cecil:** I’m sorry, dear viewers, but I have to go. I’ll splice in the ad for my newest sponsor.

(The ad plays. The video shows your bedroom. You are not in your bed. It is daytime, and you are at the Moonlight All-Night diner. This was not shown, but you  _ were _ there when this was filmed.)

(A hand reaches out from behind the camera. It is unclear whose hand it is, but it is a human hand, you think as you watch this video. The hand reaches for your pillow. It prods your pillow, as if it is looking for something. It is not actually looking for something. Hands do not have the ability to look.)

(You, watching this video in the present, have several questions going through your mind. Why was there a mysterious hand in your bedroom? Who filmed this and how did they get into your house? Did you remember to turn the oven off? Do you have enough coffee for the rest of the week?)

(You do not have enough coffee, but you are not worried about that. You can always go to the Ralph’s for coffee later.)

(The ad ends.)

(Cecil is in the backyard of a house you do not recognize. You do not recognize it because you cannot see it. The yard is all that is visible, with Cecil standing in view of the camera.)

**Cecil:** Sorry about earlier, viewers. I would like to remind you of the mnemonic for cleaning litter: “No flag? Goes in the bag. Red flag? Run!”

While I was on my way here, I ran into Carlos. You all remember Carlos, our lovely scientific visitor. Of course you do. Who could forget him? He has a square jaw, and teeth like a military cemetery.

But, I regret to inform you, his hair is no longer perfect. He got a haircut today. He had his gorgeous hair  _ shorn _ ! Cut! Cut short! So very short from his perfectly-shaped brilliant head!

His hair, according my sources, was cut by Telly the Barber.

_ Telly. _

Telly the Barber gave Carlos a horrible haircut.

_ Telly the Barber. _

I… need a moment to gather myself.

(Cut to Cecil walking along Earl Road again, now devoid of trash and red flags.)

**Cecil:** Ahhh. There’s nothing like a walk outside to clear one’s mind of… unpleasant haircuts.

Viewers, I have an announcement. I am now hiring interns. They will, of course, be unpaid, but imagine the exposure they will be getting. Certainly worth it.

Anyone interested in becoming an intern, please send an application to the email displayed onscreen.

(There is no email displayed onscreen.)

**Cecil:** Now I would like to—

(video cuts out suddenly)

**part 2**

(Cecil is in a house. It is most likely his house, but you cannot be certain. You haven’t seen his house before. If you had, that would be strange because you have never met Cecil in person before. Perhaps someday there will be An Episode About You, but even then you may never meet Cecil.)

(In any case, he is in a house, sitting on a nondescript sofa. You can hear Khoshekh meow in the background. You can, but you probably do not. This is, after all, merely a transcript of the video.)

**Cecil:** Sorry, dear viewers, once again. I was not interrupted. My memory card ran out of space. I had to tie a balloon to it and allow it to float off into the void. That is, of course, how you treat a memory card in need of space. You send it there.

But not before transfering the files. That would be foolish.

I have heard rumors—

(He stops speaking suddenly, listening to someone offscreen without looking at them.)

Viewers, you probably cannot see her, but there is a faceless old woman secretly living in my home. In fact, she’s the Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives in  _ Your _ Home too. I believe she lives in  _ everyone’s _ home.

**Faceless Old Woman:** I lost your driver’s licence. Well, “lost” isn’t the right term for what I did with it. Let’s say I turned it into art. Using a shredder. Very artistic.

Also your cat is meowing incessantly. You should consider feeding him a little more.

Also, what’s your wifi password?

**Cecil:** Uh, give me a moment to remember it. For now, viewers, I give you the weather.

(Cecil gets up and leaves the room, turning the light off as the weather plays)

_ (Now I’m thinking maybe you were gone,) _

_ (I felt my breath, calm in my lungs.) _

_ (And my heart was beating, slow and so steady) _

_ (But you stayed closer…) _

(Cecil hasn’t returned.  _ Someone _ has returned, but you cannot see her clearly. The room is too dark to see clearly, but you can see her silhouette)

**Faceless Old Woman:** I baked you something. No, not Cecil, you— you know who you are.

Anyway, maybe baked is inaccurate. I put something in your microwave, and heated it up until it caught on fire. It was several minutes ago actually. I’m surprised you haven’t noticed the smoke.

When you inevitably check to see what the smell is, you’ll probably be upset.

In my defense, I was getting bored, and your stamp collection was bothering me.

I’m going to go wander around the house for a while now. I feel like scratching a drawing on the door to the kitchen. I haven’t decided what to draw yet, but I am confident it’ll be an inspiration to all who look at it.

(the camera falls over, and the video cuts out)

**part 3**

(There are no visuals in the video. Cecil’s voice washes over you)

**Cecil:** Sorry, viewers. Or rather, listeners. It may be a while before I can record another video. The Faceless Old Woman seems to have accidentally broken my camera.

(From somewhere off in the distance, the Faceless Old Woman speaks)

**Faceless Old Woman:** It was definitely on purpose, Cecil. Don’t sell me short like that.

**Cecil:** Well… that’s…

I’m going to go see what I can do to fix my camera.

In the meantime, goodnight, Night Vale. Good night.

Today’s proverb: If you liked this video, consider selling your soul to the devil. Don’t actually do this, but consider it. Interesting concept, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The weather in this episode was based on the lyrics of Closer, by The Tiny. Did you figure it out on your own? Either way, I hope you liked this one. I very much liked writing it.


End file.
